Sweet Mackenzie

(Written for actress, activist and author Mackenzie Phillips after her appearance at the Institute on Violence Abuse and Trauma Conference in September 2018)

with elegance and grace

she speaks of the disgrace

the loss of "who I am"

the masks of who we've been 

with truth and honesty 

she plants the seed of purity

the spark that leads to flame

no longer carrying the shame

she cares not how long it took

she is, as always, an open book

since 18, working hard to free

“something devastatingly wrong with me”

 

nothing Ritalin, coke or drugs could cure

to carry on - wanting something sure

needing others to say she’s OK, a church without a steeple

finding out … hurt people hurt people

a missing father figure in a physical form

untreated narcissism, substance abuse – a perfect storm

they were mad at her for telling what he did

protecting the perpetrator, keeping it all hid

a victim silenced, don't say anything

high on arrival … becomes hopeful healing

the realization she is her mother's daughter, no less

she need not identify with the ugly and the darkness

she could choose who she is to be

finding the identity of the one … “it's me”

no longer desperate to be believed

not needing someone to be furious at … now relieved

forgiveness isn’t about cosigning, nor about not being pissed

it’s reclaiming the you that you’ve dearly missed

 

with joy, light, elegance and grace

she speaks of a past disgrace

the retrieval of "who I really am"

the release of what has never been 

the spark that ignites the highest flame

no one will ever be the same

it matters not how long it takes

the book and the door is open, for all our sake

since a child, she has worked hard to set free

the one heart, the one soul … sweet Mackenzie

Her Name Was Vernay

I was inspired to write this for my first tenant I had after I inherited an initial tenant who wasn't so kind. Ever since her, I haven't been able to find anyone who matched the level of mutual respect. Keep your awesome renters, and friends, near and dear.

Her name was Vernay
I can recall to this day
No words here I could say
No matter, no matter – come what may 
In a world not always so kind
Where a favorite word is “mine”
Where the blind lead the blind
And where trust is so hard to find
It was with her, it could begin
No leverage, no games, no spin
It can all be … simply … effortlessly … win-win
From the very start until the farewell end
I can recall to this day
Her name was Vernay
 
Now the first renters of mine
They would play games of the mind
And later swiftly leave me behind 
Trying their best to place me into a bind 
“Hey – you’re supposed to offer us cable”
But that was never on the table
They came up with various sorts of fables 
Pushing me to do whatever I was able
They opposed this new landlord without a care 
Huh - I just wanted to move forward … honest and fair 
An adjacent home, with separate entrances we could share
Yet they mainly only offered a trickster’s dare 
 
Then came my first chance to choose my own
A sweet woman who would be living alone
I’d make sure to cut the grass that so high had grown
We clicked as if our personalities had already been known  
For each other, we both did whatever we could do 
Her mother visited, and it was like my relative too
She offered to take in my trash bins – the green, gray and blue
Needs were never bothersome, opportunities were always new
This woman was not just a tenant, or a source of some cash
Nor some supplemental income I could come across fast 
But rather a pleasant cohort willing to take off the mask 
In a friendship, with mutual respect, that would surely last 
 
I see her on social media – we’re still so kind to one another
On some level it’s like we were sister and brother
Never trying to trick, manipulate or outdo each other
A sort of connection that could always offer cover
In a world where selfish needs lead the isolated along 
In a society where few community members belong 
In a life where relationships are less right than wrong
On a globe where the humble are not considered the strong 
In a world filled with numero unos trying to get their way
Guarding their empires, keeping everyone else at bay 
Scared, hidden, bitter, divided, betrayed 
I can recall another sort of relationship still alive today 
Within the glory of the life, the truth and the way 
Even in spirit, even in distant memories, we will stay
I can recall to this day
Her name is Vernay
Her name is Vernay

Delicious Enlightenment

 

You never know where magic is going to come from in this wonderful world. Sometimes it could even come at a trip to the store for a treat. 

Come one, come all, and hear the story about a boy and his ice cream. 

 

This is not just any sort of ice cream. This is the Jolly Llama brand of diary-free, gluten-free, coconut cream, caramel chocolate chip cones. You know the type with the chocolate chunk at the bottom of the pyramid cone? 

 

This delightful delight was first encountered by this boy – OK, it was me – about two years ago when my wife introduced it to me. I was transfixed by the flavor and higher purpose. 

 

And OK, maybe I’m not a boy, but the giddiness and joy I feel when I treat myself to such a treat, is timeless and boundless. How delicious could enlightenment get?

 

You think I exaggerate? 

 

Just ask my wife when these are OUT of stock at the local store, and when we discover that they are indeed IN stock. It can go from extreme disappointment to utter glee. And let me tell you, it’s not routinely the case that the glee comes. These days, the stores are rarely stocking these llamas. Oh sure, the vanilla ones or the pink or light brown or orange ones may be in the freezer section, but rarely do we get the taste of enlightenment, chocolate flavored. 

 

We happen to know the manager of a small deli in Mission Valley who would put in special orders for us, and it was normally hit and miss. “They are out of stock for two weeks. Come back next Saturday.” 

 

Because of my intense desire for enlightenment, my mind stays focused on the goal. It’s almost like a meditation; my mind gets so laser-beam. The result is we have found one store in the La Mesa area (NO, I will not tell you which one) that regularly carries this ice cream. We have gone a bit out of our way on occasion to travel to this store. 

 

It was on the last visit where the true magic happened. And I believe there is a great lesson in it for me … and for others if they are interested.

 

While my wife started in on other shopping, I approached the store entrance and bolted back to the freezer section where I knew they held the ice cream. I was filming the occasion to share with a friend interested in eating healthier desserts. I was in a great mood for various reasons, one to do with the treat but also because of other good stuff going on in my life. As I rushed up to the section of the freezer, I built up the suspense for my friend saying, “Here it comes….”  Just as I came to the row where the Jolly Llamas reside, I saw clearly: they are out of stock! An empty shelf! 

 

I kept the video rolling, and just finished it off with “dammit!” 

See HERE 

 

Dismayed but not destroyed, I kept my good mood intact. Sometimes in the past when I got upset about “missing out,” I went to a low place with thoughts such as:

• “Oh no, I’m too late.”
• “I knew it!” 
• “I waited too long and now I’ve made a big mistake.”
• “What a bummer!” 

Well, it may be because I was in such a good mood (and that it was merely a dessert) that the past distressing thoughts didn’t arrive too powerfully in my mind. I stayed upbeat and continued on my way to find Jennifer in the store. As I let her in on the bad news, just then, a young lady worker Ashlin turned the corner. For some reason, in a happy place, I chose to interact and have some lighthearted banter with her. In an overly dramatic fashion, I let her in on the lack of Jolly Llamas in the freezer. To which, she replied, “Let me see what I can do.”

What? Could it be? Could there be a second chance at delicious enlightenment? 

 

It only took her a couple minutes to return from another part of the store and reveal a box of dozens of chocolate Jolly Llamas. 

 

Wow. My first response was of gratitude and happiness. (That’s on video too.) 

 

Next I considered this very real reality: If I would have spiraled into some negative subconscious spin from the past about being “too late,” I would not have been open to seeing this young lady approach with another opportunity. If I would have been defeated, I would not have had the wherewithal to see the victory staring at me in the face. 

 

Perhaps that’s how it happens many times in our benevolent universe. 

 

The issue arises along with a solution. And it’s up to us to stay in the right mind to be able to notice it, and then act on it. 

 

These ice creams proved to be enlightening indeed. 

 

 

 

I Said Chloe’s Name

A dear friend has a lovely pooch named Chloe who has had some health challenges. Once I saw a Facebook post in which someone said a prayer for her, I was inspired by the phrase she used at a sacred space: "I said Chloe's name." Such a poetic line; such a poetic world. 

It’s who we are, it’s how we live 

I heard the news, I wanted to give

The social media post said your dear dog was ill

A prayer for all that is peaceful and still

As we join forces with the illumination of God’s will

Into your cup, from divine abundance, we will fill

I went to the altar today, before the candle flame 

Into the space, I said Chloe’s name

 

I said her name so that all could wish the best

For her health, for her vibrancy, for her rest

I said Chloe’s name, and it gave life to the word 

The blessings of bounty, we can be assured

By a mere utterance, she was placed into the mind of God

That little rascal with dark curls, that wonderful dog

Healing any conditions, the aches, the owies and the pains

Glady, and with exuberance, I said Chloe’s name

 

And so here we stand, as concerns shift to care

Of the path of heart and healing, we are aware

Perfect health in all its forms - spirt, body and mind

For those who remember the power of simply being kind

And giving to those in need when it’s time to say a prayer

Standing strong in faith, as concerns shift to care

Surely yet humbly … happy that up to this alter I came 

So that I could speak into the space … I said Chloe’s name

I said Chloe’s name

 

Hennessy – Come To Me

We lost our dear Hennessy in June 2021. Yet the desire for connection lives on. 

We keep the toys that carry so many joys

With some, somehow, still making noise

Memories last beyond the distant past 

Recalling how all of our characters were cast

Us in the front seat, you in the backseat

Surely, making every one of us complete

Words we’d repeat when we would meet

Touch, sit, catch, and keeek – keeek - keeek 

Feeling free, bending down to a knee

Calling out your name, “Hennessy – come to me”

 

Left behind, a puzzle piece never to find

Forever missed, forever in our mind

Wanting to rewind, time and space are not kind

Reaching out for a mystic reading or a sure sign

The loving presence is here, that we do not fear

It’s just that the physical touch is not near

The journey of the daily walk, the two-way talk

Living without that is a devastating shock

They tell us to trust, I imagine that we must

Yet still calling out, “Hennessy – come to us”

 

So we go our way, living onward day to day

Recalling beautiful memories on this – your birthday 

How you’d never stay but like to tug-of-war play 

Proceed to open gifts not sent to you, anyway

How you would frustrate when we would meditate

Through the door you would no longer hesitate

Perhaps beyond this plane, you will remain

Where we all three will remember our names

In dream-states and love-scapes free, we’ll know where to be

Where maybe, just maybe, you call out … “Come to me”

 

Such Is The Life

This is not a piece of prose about the abuse victim or the censored patriot, or the obvious analogy between the two, but rather the failure of the abuser who wants to silence the accuser coming back into his or her own power.   

The wounded child cries out for understanding

With all the rottenness the big people are demanding
With the touching in secret places where they don’t belong
Nothing - nowhere - no-how – it’s all just so wrong
But are they the “problem children” speaking up when others won’t?
Or are they the ones screaming for fairness when others don’t?
When silence and stifling are rewarded by the wicked ones
They can’t help but point out what these people have done
They have to fight through the dirty looks, the punishment and the yelling
Such is the result when children are standing up ... and telling
Do they get a kind word, a bended knee, a willing ear, a compassionate hug?
Or simply defensiveness, neglect and the desire to sweep it all under the rug? 
 
Such is the life for the misused, abused, the ones who are still aware
Carrying the burden and weight of the knowledge when no one else will care
Such is the life for those who speak up when others want to shut them down
As they wander lonely halls of the home, praying for an angel to come around 
Such is the life for the ones who will speak no matter how much they are shamed
Gathering even more faith in something invisible they cannot even name 
 
Similarly, so it is for those who speak to tyrants – truth to power
To those mask-wearing suits who are nothing more than spineless cowards
The wicked return, but not as the abuser but rather the accuser pointing at us
To save face, to stay in control, to remain detached, they do what they must
But once more, do we go quiet, do we just let it all fall, and stay still?
Or is there another undenied authority, emerging through divine will? 
No matter the source, we are true to course, and take the slings and arrows
As the path before us, and the evil, narrows and narrows and narrows
Until there is a single way – one of peace, love, unity and light
We can rest assured – we were faithful – we fought the good fight
 
Such is the life – we have made the choice to live for the good of all 
Knowing that it is possible to return to the garden after the fall
The fake leaders? They will go their way, and fade away, learning what they must
We release their strategy of trying to divide and conquer, creating enemies out of us
We choose liberty, inalienable rights, freedom of assembly and speech
Learning for ourselves about all those things we came here to teach
No preaching now, we have history and destiny on our side
Such is the life, such is life – we recognize the truth we no longer need to hide 
Such is the life, the wounded child is rescued by our maturity, and by the Christ 
Now as adults united – we take every wrong of the past ... and make it right 

Sehra Did

A lovely gal doing a simple act, a good deed in a weary world. 

I went up to the president of a non-profit organization bringing my view of something that was amiss, hoping she would understand. She did not.

But Sehra did.

I went to an old friend who let me down recently, to communicate my disappointment, hoping he would understand. He did not.

But Sehra did.

I went to 100 other people over 20 years wanting their receptivity and an understanding of what transpired, but only got their defensiveness, their excuses and their denial. I was hoping they would receive my expression. They did not.

But Sehra did.  Yes Sehra did.

On one day in June, 18-year-old Sehra from Encinitas was celebrating her graduation day. My girlfriend and I were driving up the 5 Freeway and decided to stop by her mom’s house, visit a bit, give Sehra a greeting card and a hug or two. What happened was the distracted Sehra spent more time focused on the Internet rather than her visitors. Even after her mother asked her to put the Internet away and be respectful to the two in the room, Sehra continued to focus her attention on the computer screen.

Taken aback a bit, my girlfriend and I realized later how that didn't sit right with us. You know how it goes sometimes, the delayed response? Well, we wanted to say something - how that didn't feel right with us, how it felt disrespectful. Now given the history of simply trying to express a view to friends, given the history of taking communication classes that teach not to "judge," given the years of being faced with defensiveness within those we are wanting understanding, it would have been easy to give up on the situation. You know - just do what millions do across the war-torn field of misunderstandings. Just go mum, carry resentment, and slowly allow the relationship and friendship to just die away. 

But we love Sehra too much. And so we approached her - open expression, allowing our disappointment to come through.  

What hundreds have not been able to muster over years of attempted communication, Sehra was able to do. Humbly, and with the grace of a pure heart, Sehra responded ... with: 

• An "I'm so sorry"
• An "I realized what I had done after you had left"
• An "I love you guys"

Very simply, very bravely, very … innocently.

Can it be so hard to find such humility in the face of a possible conflict or confrontation of egos? Many of the adults - possibly hoping to save face or not feel toxic guilt within them - simply choose defense. In moments of accountability, when someone drops the ball, makes a mistake that impacts another, or otherwise blows it, they are asked to be big enough to own their part, offer a humble expression of regret, gift some appreciation for the other speaking up, and perhaps offer something in return to restore the good relations.

In those moments, many cannot.

But Sehra did. 

Yes, Sehra did.

                                       
Jim Ellis is a writer and filmmaker living in Lemon Grove, California.