The First Christmas Without You

It was Cambay Lane. 

That was my home ... for as long as I can remember. 

My father purchased the house on this new tract in Huntington Beach in 1959. He didn't even plan to buy property; he wasn't in the market. But some visiting friends convinced him to take a trip from his apartment in Redondo to tour around. He tagged along just for the heck of it. 

From there, he would be the only one who made the leap, one of the original home owners on this block. It was here that he lived - raising a family with a wife Patricia and their three children: Mary Lynn, Jimmy, Kathy. It was here that the Ellises really took root. It was here where I would be raised, along with my sisters. It was here that I would co-create memories to last a lifetime. 

And it was here that my mom would pass in 2014 and here where my father would spend his final days, departing March 15, 2021.

All those years, all that time, all the holidays, all those Thanksgiving dinners, first in the dining room, then spreading out to the living room once the spouses and extended family and nephews and nieces came along. 

For as long as I can remember, this was the epicenter for family. Though I would move to San Diego in 1990, the same year Kathy married Norman and moved out, this was still where the heart was. This was where the memories were created and where they still reside:

• The basketball backboard and games of "H-O-R-S-E"
• The tennis ball against the garage door with the slats, making the rebound ricochet away
• The Saturday nights in the living room with Mary Tyler Moore, Bob Newhart and Carol Burnett 
• The lunch meals of Campbell's soup as Kathy and I sat on the floor, with General Hospital on in the background 
• The trackball sessions down the hallway
• The pickle, red-light-green-light and hide-and-seek games out front on the lawn with the Ewalds, the Lappins, the Utslers, the Meads and of course my best friend Jamie Jordan
• The Christmas tree all lit up, with the TV - for once - being turned off
• That silence, that sweet silence with the only sound a fireplace crackling and the warm hum of family connection

So many memories. Way too many to count. 

And so much love. Way too big to comprehend.

And, finally, so much loss, when time and space calls for an end. 

For this will be the first Christmas without you. 

Without you Dad, as you chose to move on to that other home known in antiquity through angelic hosts on high. Without you Kathy and Norman, as you moved yourselves to Indiana shortly after Dad passed. Without you niece Grace and husband Cody plus Abigail, as you moved away as well. Without you nephew Emmett, and wife Amy plus Elijah and Hannah, taking a new home and state too. Without you Tess, wherever you may be, in your endeavor to be free. And without you Jamie Jordan, who tragically and suddently departed as well, on into the mysterious unknown.

This year saw many losses - not only my father's passing, but the remainder of my family moving out east. 

This will be the first holiday without these family members right here in living color, in person, right here in physical presence, enjoyed by my wife and myself in our trips to Orange County. 

Even the home on Cambay Lane sold in August. After 59 years, it now belongs to another family, with a couple of young children, ready to create memories of their own, with their own games on that lawn, and their own best friends they may treasure as time moves along. 

Sure, my extended family will have our Zoom meetings, waving hello with the obligatory "how are yous." We will have emails and texts and gifts sent through the mail. 

And that will be fine for now.

But the loss is real, and it will be something I will need to feel. And express, in my own way. 

And the best thing of all - we will have our memories. The echos of children laughing and playing outside, the glow of the TV reruns with a family laughing out loud, enjoying each other's company, the meals shared as a Christmas tree glimmered its gold, frankincense and myrrh. 

On some level, it will always be our Cambay Lane. 

I will embrace the beauty and wonder of a love, as much magical and it is undefinable.

It will there ... in a sacred place ... for as long as I can remember. 

Circa 1998, the Ellis, Kellogg and Slusher collection 

(Photo by Norm; Camera shy Michael)

Into Eternity I Enter

 

 

A romantic love poem for my wife Jennifer. 

Memories arrive at the front door of my mind

A lake’s eternal rippling rings, the echoes of time 

Did we ever really part … from that very first union?

Did we ever really start … was there need for reunion?

Was there ever a moment, where our souls did not show? 

Was there a time, of your splendor, I did not know?

Was there ever a struggle of conflicting give and take?

Or did we simply surrender to the One … for God’s sake?

Oh no, lines blur for the true receiver and sender

It is at this time … into eternity I enter

 

Memories arrive at the front door of forever 

It’s as if we have always been here together 

Memories of absolute glee, bouts of deep and lasting laughter

Lombardy trophies and Stanley Cups we went after

Wild rides through the sexual landscape of adventures

Vegas, Magic Mountain, Knotts, a cruise with World Ventures

Ammachi, Victoria BC, Indian food in Big Bear 

Countless oils, remedies, and meals … given with your care

Freedom For All, 1000 Breaths, engaging gatherings at the home

A wedding or two for the committed, never to be left alone 

A vow and ceremony would burst forth a new birth

Saying goodbye, for now, to some we knew on this earth  

On mystical levels, on walks and talks, we will always be 

With that regal, smarty-pants one we know as Hennessy

In your yoga, we find shanti, namaste and our truest center

It is at this time … into eternity I enter

 

For here we are – two solar systems searching for the sacred star 

And to think, at no time, did we ever have to travel far

The path was created by the Divine; we simply found our way

And even through upset, stress, and fear, we will not stray 

Led through your giving, your sharing, your sweetness, your beauty 

A true heart, a true love, a real blessing, a real cutie

The practical one whose deep waters run romantic

Echoed through this poet’s wordsmithing semantics 

Long ago ... or in this eternal moment ... we made a choice

To follow a Christed direction and the angel’s loud voice 

A couple, riding the waves, in tandem, in communion 

Removing ourselves from dim caves of darkness and delusion 

So, did we ever really start … was there really a reunion?

Did we ever really part … from that very first union?

Will there ever be a place, where our spirits do not go?

Will there ever be a time, of our light, we do not know?

Neigh, we follow the echoes of time, the ripples on the surface lake

We fall into the arms of the One … for God’s sake

Yes, we make the smart move, into the sweetest of sweet surrender 

As we awaken and realize, at this time … into eternity we enter

 

The Beast

I thought the phrase "Don't feed the beast" was original when I thought of it. Alas, it's pretty common. So after changing the poem's title, I let it flow, as I enjoyed this ancient theme. 

You don't know his image, you don't know his name
Yet he influences your life ... just the same
He broadcasts TV news, and songs from the devil's muse
Yet he will promise safety and comfort – that is the ruse
He undertakes clandestine deeds, from sunset to sunrise 
You share some daily views ... that is the surprise 
He resides in the outer world, creating madness and mayhem 
He reflects the mirror of inner worlds – in every woman and man
You have known of the legacy, you surely know the folklore
The beast is always hungry; the beast needs more
And more
 
The beast needs to consume every day and every night
The beast needs to ground every heavenly flight
The beast needs to sear every ear, and blind all eyes 
The beast thirsts for the blood on the battlefield of lies 
The beast is your friend right up until the end of time
Until he takes everything that is yours, ours, and mine
The beast sits in waiting behind every darkened door
The beast is always hungry; the beast needs more
More and more
 
And where is this hunger satisfied and how is he fed?
Be astonished, the source rests upon your bedfellow’s bed
Like sugar for cancer, he eats treats for sweet diseases
Like water damage in hidden crevice, he does as he pleases
Your anger is his appetizer, it garners his fine favor 
Your addictions to gluttony, booze and blow he loves to savor
Revenge, suppression, and enmity help fulfill his demands
Procrastination and porn call out for idle hands
Just as theft and taxes feed the famished government machine
Just as false prophets soil the sacred into the obscene
Just as flies venture into spider webs only to be caught
We must awaken to the folly of the dance that must stop
Must stop!
 
The beast has needed to consume every day and every night
The beast has desired to ground every heavenly flight
Yet, the beast collapses, defeated, when abandoned on distant shore
The beast will not be hungry when there is nothing more
The beast will succumb – left deaf, blind and dumb
When you stop in your tracks, and choose … to cease to run
The beast will starve when he is no longer provided his share 
Poisoned by the illumination that comes from your self-care 
Lick the wound, heal the heart, unite in light, soothe the sore
And then study war, draw swords, and feed the beast no more
No more
No more
 

The Darkness Trembles

A patriot pal mentioned the phrase "the darkness trembles" in a text. Sounded like a poem indicating the light will always win. That is the good news.

Corruption arises, dark steam from underground

The wicked wield power in games of lost and found

No longer dollars sought, for they have all that they need

This goes beyond lust and hunger ... games, toys and greed
The ultimate desire, undisclosed treacherous goals
The accumulation of property, destinies, and souls
Special treatment lifts egos and kings high upon its shoulders
The hypnotized blindly follow the evil mind-controllers
The cohesive comply, we may never see what reality resembles
Somewhere though, somehow … the darkness trembles 
Yes indeed, somewhere somehow … the darkness trembles
 
Now what can we believe here, who is the taker and the giver?
Media is on the airwaves, selling everyone down the river
Blatant falsehoods – now a parade of the vicious and the sick 
Politicians lies are now the latest Jedi mind-trick
Up is down, war is peace, just as many once prophesized 
The glimmering glow of the show keep viewers mesmerized
Taking orders from those whose powers are meant to be limited
Masked and vaxxed citizens, now timid, controlled, inhibited
The confused need to question, so we may see what reality resembles
Somewhere, somehow the truth is … the darkness trembles 
Yes indeed, somehow somewhere … the darkness trembles
 
But how could darkness tremble, it holds the might and power
It hides in cracks and crevices, and in the top of terror’s tower
The beams of death rays have the weak bow and the fearful cower 
A passport to hell, an injection of forced will, a chemtrail shower 
So how can it be, in the land of the brave and the home of the free
How can we reclaim what was gifted us, from sea to shining sea? 
Gifted not from man or tyrants whose hubris will have them fall
But rather from Divine Providence, the Creator, the overseer of all 
Evil in the dark of night laughs at everyone falling for its game
Yet truth, like a rose, will stand in certainty, by any other name 
The slumbering will seek to know, so all can see what reality resembles
Somewhere, somehow in anticipation … the darkness trembles 
Yes indeed, seen upon horizon … the darkness trembles
 
In the depths, the will of “we the people” shall restore a foundation true
And the sins and sorrows and shame will gently be washed anew
Flowers will bloom, seeds will sprout, the sun shall shine magnificent rays
The truth cannot be mocked, in the beginning, and in the end of days 
A revolution of the heart, a revelation in the mind
Joining brother, sister, father and mother … in kind
The nightmare will cease, bringing a predicted peace, so that all can truly find
What can be embraced in the moment, and what horror can be left behind
The awakened will finally come to know, seeing all that reality resembles
In glorious triumphant exaltation … the darkness trembles 
Yes, when facing directly into the light of the Lord … the darkness trembles
The darkness trembles 

On Point

Written for Sergeant Marine Nicole Gee, who was one of 13 military members killed in a suicide bombing on August 26, 2021 in Afghanistan.

Remaining behind, post withdrawal, taking the hard and strong stand
Hamid Karzai International Airport – Kabul, Afghanistan
From Sacramento, married, a young marine, all of 23
August 26, terrorist attack, taken, Nicole L. Gee
Six days prior, pictures, loving her job … then the report came along
"There was an explosion. And just like that … she's gone"

One of thirteen, lost in a mere moment, lost in a flash

Identification, a flight, a casket draped with the American flag

Flying home to Roseville, where family awaits a final farewell

Honor, legacy, commitment, care … she did her job so well

Services and speeches, tears and tributes, so many memories to anoint 

Nicole on guard, on her game, on her post … always on point

 

In her role, everything must run smooth, everything must be set

Handling the logistics – ensuring everyone’s needs get met

Succeeding at her mission, so the larger operation would not fail

A caregiver – with clear mind, open heart, and attention to detail  

Her reliable nature, her alertness, her clarity – this, the best defense 

The invisible, behind-the-scenes impact … all of it immense

Social media posts, a job in progress, a job worthwhile – yes, a positive word

Ushering other souls to safety, "escorting evacuees onto the bird"

She was good at what she did, everything taken care of, where it needed to be

Caring about the lives of others … marine sergeant Nicole L. Gee

A proud and honored military member, serving a country, saving the day

Out there faithfully holding the line, out there in harm’s way  

No matter the locale, she’d dot the I’s, cross the T’s and clearly case the joint

A marine on guard, on her post, on the front lines … always on point

And then there is Nicole, humble, what you get is what you see

Beyond the weapons, the tasks, the boots and the battle fatigues 

“A marine’s marine,” “a light in a dark world,” a peacemaker in the wild 

“I love my job,” she posted … while cradling an infant Afghan child

Holding high an oath to country and a community she held dear

Motivation, determination and fearlessness fueled a passion for career

"A hometown hero," married to Jarod, committed to her work

Her sister would say, “We will be forever changed and hurt” 

A casualty of violence, a tale no one would ever want to tell

Honor, legacy, commitment, care … she lived her life so well

In some higher world of beauty, may all fallen soldiers find peaceful home 

She wasn’t just one of 13, or one in a million, but rather one of our own

For now, a new position, a new mission, one that only God shall appoint 

Nicole L. Gee – forever in our hearts and prayers, forever out there … on point

James Anthony Ellis is a writer and producer living in San Diego, and can be reached at www.LegacyProductions.org or JimEllis1103@Gmail.com.

Moments In Time - A Gift for Belinda and Jim

Moments in time, memories arise through each line
From the obvious overt, to the sweet sublime 
Belinda lists them off … one after another, again and again 
Every moment with his wife is a favorite, so says Jim 

And so here we go, hop aboard, let’s ride this ride

Moving from the past to present, an ever-flowing tide
Meeting through common friends – Carol and Paul’s plan of attack

Belinda had gone to Hawaii, until Paul called Jim: “She’s baaaaaaack” 

She wanted a tennis partner, tired of doing life alone

Jim too – they would find common connection via the phone

A first encounter, Capitola Community Center tennis, September 22 

A bit informal, didn’t call it “a date” - then why bring chocolates too?  

And in effortless flow, a stolen moment under a tree 

Belinda remembers it so clear – “And then, he kissed me” 

Shall he propose, they talked marriage for a long time   

Dating six and a half years, will he bring forth the famous line? 

When Jim dropped something and went to a knee, Belinda would get the feeling… 

“Is this the time Jim?” Hmmm, Jim would learn to bend over instead of kneeling

Driving through mountains to Santa Cruz, a strike out on Highway 17  ````````````````

Then later with a ring, a proper proposal, leading to May 14  

The wedding day came after a year of coordinating, planning, and waiting

It was Monet's bridge in Giverny overlooking waterlilies, like a painting 

Dancing on air, excited, filled with wonder, beauty, and joy

Sunny Hakone Gardens in Saratoga, greenery, a pond, turtles and fish koi

In retrospect, so much led up to a marriage between these souls, kindred and kind

So many pins on the road map, so many memorable moments in time

Playing tennis, ping-pong, pickleball, Pokémon, taking walks along the beach
Kick the rock, Walton Lighthouse, a movie on the couch, hands within reach
A riled-up wasp nest, they came after Belinda’s clothes and hair, oh no!

When getting off plane to Hawaii, Jim fell flat on his face, breaking his toe  

Laughing out loud at episodes of “Friends,” wanting to help a sea lion down harbor way

Rolling Stones in San Diego; Barbra Streisand at the Shark Tank in San Jose   
Hawaii’s city of Refuge, off a ledge, two steps and into the ocean they go
Swimming with wild spinner dolphins, Belinda and Jim four years in a row  
Eiffel Tower, on the River Seine, within the City of Lights

Le Jules Verne Restaurant, a window seat, one of the magical nights

A Croatia castle, a sword, a Dragon Room, Jim knighted by Belinda … so neat 

Santorini island off Greek Mediterranean, Lake Bled in Slovenia, Damanhur Spiritual Retreat 
Crow’s Nest, Sanderlings in Aptos, Le Papillon, Starbucks – always a winner
Renting a Montalvo Park room in Saratoga, along with a Valentine’s dinner  

Sentiments from Jim: She is kind, honest, positive, even-tempered, generous, sensitive, and full of care
I’m so very lucky to have met her, she can always count on me to be there
Sentiments from Belinda: I’ve never met a man so thoughtful of other people, competitive but fair 
It’s so glorious to be with him, he’s a keeper, I must have done something right, somewhere

And so envelops a love story, complete with an effortless rhythm and rhyme 

So much love, so much admiration, so many memorable moments in time

Audio Rendition Found HERE

There Are No Words ...

Written for anyone who has experienced heartbreaking separation and loss. Some will be forever missed ... in words that can not be truly conveyed.

 

This poet goes silent, the stage goes dark
The full-length soliloquy now reads stark
The moment is hush, like the eternal dawn
The lyrics may end … the music plays on
There’s nothing to be said, nothing to be heard
Truth be known … there are no words

Thou shall not match the terms for love
As we rise to heights countless miles above
Any attempt at alignment becomes a breach
The utterance of language simply cannot reach
In the sky, only room for high-flying birds
Truth be known … there are no . . .

There are no words for this kind of pain
Days and nights go by … again and again
There are no words for this sort of loss
The giving and receiving, the highest cost
There are no words for the heart that knows
The love that grows and grows … and grows

So we shall be still tonight, and not give a thought
To the caves of shadows where we can get caught
We shall not try to understand that which goes beyond
But lie down in the field, and recall the dawn
Where we can say nothing more, but rest assured
Truth be known …