The First Christmas Without You

It was Cambay Lane. 

That was my home ... for as long as I can remember. 

My father purchased the house on this new tract in Huntington Beach in 1959. He didn't even plan to buy property; he wasn't in the market. But some visiting friends convinced him to take a trip from his apartment in Redondo to tour around. He tagged along just for the heck of it. 

From there, he would be the only one who made the leap, one of the original home owners on this block. It was here that he lived - raising a family with a wife Patricia and their three children: Mary Lynn, Jimmy, Kathy. It was here that the Ellises really took root. It was here where I would be raised, along with my sisters. It was here that I would co-create memories to last a lifetime. 

And it was here that my mom would pass in 2014 and here where my father would spend his final days, departing March 15, 2021.

All those years, all that time, all the holidays, all those Thanksgiving dinners, first in the dining room, then spreading out to the living room once the spouses and extended family and nephews and nieces came along. 

For as long as I can remember, this was the epicenter for family. Though I would move to San Diego in 1990, the same year Kathy married Norman and moved out, this was still where the heart was. This was where the memories were created and where they still reside:

• The basketball backboard and games of "H-O-R-S-E"
• The tennis ball against the garage door with the slats, making the rebound ricochet away
• The Saturday nights in the living room with Mary Tyler Moore, Bob Newhart and Carol Burnett 
• The lunch meals of Campbell's soup as Kathy and I sat on the floor, with General Hospital on in the background 
• The trackball sessions down the hallway
• The pickle, red-light-green-light and hide-and-seek games out front on the lawn with the Ewalds, the Lappins, the Utslers, the Meads and of course my best friend Jamie Jordan
• The Christmas tree all lit up, with the TV - for once - being turned off
• That silence, that sweet silence with the only sound a fireplace crackling and the warm hum of family connection

So many memories. Way too many to count. 

And so much love. Way too big to comprehend.

And, finally, so much loss, when time and space calls for an end. 

For this will be the first Christmas without you. 

Without you Dad, as you chose to move on to that other home known in antiquity through angelic hosts on high. Without you Kathy and Norman, as you moved yourselves to Indiana shortly after Dad passed. Without you niece Grace and husband Cody plus Abigail, as you moved away as well. Without you nephew Emmett, and wife Amy plus Elijah and Hannah, taking a new home and state too. Without you Tess, wherever you may be, in your endeavor to be free. And without you Jamie Jordan, who tragically and suddently departed as well, on into the mysterious unknown.

This year saw many losses - not only my father's passing, but the remainder of my family moving out east. 

This will be the first holiday without these family members right here in living color, in person, right here in physical presence, enjoyed by my wife and myself in our trips to Orange County. 

Even the home on Cambay Lane sold in August. After 59 years, it now belongs to another family, with a couple of young children, ready to create memories of their own, with their own games on that lawn, and their own best friends they may treasure as time moves along. 

Sure, my extended family will have our Zoom meetings, waving hello with the obligatory "how are yous." We will have emails and texts and gifts sent through the mail. 

And that will be fine for now.

But the loss is real, and it will be something I will need to feel. And express, in my own way. 

And the best thing of all - we will have our memories. The echos of children laughing and playing outside, the glow of the TV reruns with a family laughing out loud, enjoying each other's company, the meals shared as a Christmas tree glimmered its gold, frankincense and myrrh. 

On some level, it will always be our Cambay Lane. 

I will embrace the beauty and wonder of a love, as much magical and it is undefinable.

It will there ... in a sacred place ... for as long as I can remember. 

Circa 1998, the Ellis, Kellogg and Slusher collection 

(Photo by Norm; Camera shy Michael)

Into Eternity I Enter

 

 

A romantic love poem for my wife Jennifer. 

Memories arrive at the front door of my mind

A lake’s eternal rippling rings, the echoes of time 

Did we ever really part … from that very first union?

Did we ever really start … was there need for reunion?

Was there ever a moment, where our souls did not show? 

Was there a time, of your splendor, I did not know?

Was there ever a struggle of conflicting give and take?

Or did we simply surrender to the One … for God’s sake?

Oh no, lines blur for the true receiver and sender

It is at this time … into eternity I enter

 

Memories arrive at the front door of forever 

It’s as if we have always been here together 

Memories of absolute glee, bouts of deep and lasting laughter

Lombardy trophies and Stanley Cups we went after

Wild rides through the sexual landscape of adventures

Vegas, Magic Mountain, Knotts, a cruise with World Ventures

Ammachi, Victoria BC, Indian food in Big Bear 

Countless oils, remedies, and meals … given with your care

Freedom For All, 1000 Breaths, engaging gatherings at the home

A wedding or two for the committed, never to be left alone 

A vow and ceremony would burst forth a new birth

Saying goodbye, for now, to some we knew on this earth  

On mystical levels, on walks and talks, we will always be 

With that regal, smarty-pants one we know as Hennessy

In your yoga, we find shanti, namaste and our truest center

It is at this time … into eternity I enter

 

For here we are – two solar systems searching for the sacred star 

And to think, at no time, did we ever have to travel far

The path was created by the Divine; we simply found our way

And even through upset, stress, and fear, we will not stray 

Led through your giving, your sharing, your sweetness, your beauty 

A true heart, a true love, a real blessing, a real cutie

The practical one whose deep waters run romantic

Echoed through this poet’s wordsmithing semantics 

Long ago ... or in this eternal moment ... we made a choice

To follow a Christed direction and the angel’s loud voice 

A couple, riding the waves, in tandem, in communion 

Removing ourselves from dim caves of darkness and delusion 

So, did we ever really start … was there really a reunion?

Did we ever really part … from that very first union?

Will there ever be a place, where our spirits do not go?

Will there ever be a time, of our light, we do not know?

Neigh, we follow the echoes of time, the ripples on the surface lake

We fall into the arms of the One … for God’s sake

Yes, we make the smart move, into the sweetest of sweet surrender 

As we awaken and realize, at this time … into eternity we enter