THROWING MY HAT IN THE RING

I know it might be sort of late in the election process, but I have decided to announce my candidacy for the President of the United States of America.

I believe by now - with all the ballots already in the mail - that I will have to do really well in the write-in section. Please see the blank area on that ballot somewhere on there somewhere. It will be under a listing of other names such as Donald, Joe and Kanye. 

Please know I don’t take my decision lightly. I have thought hard and long about this. Probably too long. I mean it’s less than a week away. Could I be any more last minute? 

But fear not! I have reviewed the metrics and the early polls and, well, who believes that crap anyway. I am NOWHERE on there. Not a blip. In fact you five people who are actually reading this - are the first to know about my decision. 

This will take a major - I mean MAJOR - grassroots movement to see me all the way through to victory on November 3! Ah shit that’s like 5 days. 

I decided to run on the Procrastinator Party ticket. Brand new. Just made it up. And just in time. Many of you could easily qualify as upstanding members, if you only heard about this earlier. 

And acted earlier. 

My campaign promises will be short and simple.
 

1. Removal of fluoride from all water supply.
2. GMO labeling on everything, even non-food items. 
   
3. Doors on all the boys bathrooms. (Oh wait that was a promise from 4th grade student council.)
4. Dismantling the unaccountable FBI, CIA and Federal Reserve.
   
5. Repealing the 16th amendment. People working hard for their earned wage should never have become a taxable event.
   
6. Term limits for all congress people. After 6 years they have to get a real job. Sign up for “Indeed” or get a LinkedIn account or something.
   
7. No law will be established wherein lawmakers don’t have to be the first in line to follow it.
   
8. Free Ben and Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk for all. The rest, people will have to earn in some way, shape or form.
   
9. No spying on ANY citizens ever.
   
10. The destruction of those big brother red light photo cameras at those busy intersections.
    
11. Police restored to a high place in society as respected protectors, without using them as revenue collectors for the state.
    
12. No more of those fancy high-class meals for elected elites, spending our money on those affairs. Pizza and side salads OK if and only if Little Caesars reinstates the 2 for 1 “pizza pizza” deals.
    
13. Shrink the government so small that its mascot becomes Daffy Duck the time he got shrunken down to the size of a pearl. And so small it carries only two jobs: 1. protect and preserve the Constitution of the United States and 2. ensure the people’s property and papers are protected ... from the government. 

For a running mate, I’m actually too embarrassed to ask anyone given the late notice. 

If anyone is interested please contact me.

But hurry. 

Prior to January 20.

Fingers crossed!!!

 

My Own Mandates

 

I’ve decided to just put it out there. Be transparent. Don’t be overly political or evasive, but rather just let everyone know what mandates (and executive orders) I would put upon you – I mean into place – once I become state governor, US president or the VP of my own home owners association.

 

Here goes, you have no choice:

 

1.  Must Reach Back

 

If some friend reaches out to you – via text, email or voicemail – you must return in kind such communication within 72 hours if you indeed received the message. This does not include group e-mails or marketing messages in mass, but only those directly sent to you with a friendly request for a return message. Since technology has made a reply take up to five seconds, there will be no excuses such as “I was too busy.” Come on. If someone reaches out to you directly, do the respectful thing. Don’t be an asshole.

 

2. Lead With Curiosity

 

When listening to someone speak, lead with the attitude of curiosity, in the desire to understand his or her side. You are no longer allowed to remain in your bubblehead listening only to the reverberating echo of your own past, your own thoughts, your own filter. Shut up and listen.

 

3. Honor Your Word

 

If you say you will do something, then do it. How simple is that? Some call it “integrity;” others call in “honor,” still others call it, “Bro – don’t fuck me up.” Make it a commitment. Make it your bond. Now, of course things will come up in life, yes. If for some reason you choose to “break” your word, you can still “honor” your word by making it up to the other person in some, way, shape or form. Mandated statement: “What can I do to make it up to you?” Breaking the mandate will have severe consequences. Heftier penalties for those who use the phrase “But I was going with my flow,” or using the strategy of spinning it around on the other person, saying he or she fell into “expectations.”

 

4. Courtesy Driving

 

This one is important. If you are driving up to a stoplight, and you don’t leave enough room for the person behind you to pass you on the right, you will face the consequence of some well-deserved beeps, dirty looks, and maybe some car “brights” flashed on you from behind.  And you will deserve it. Please be conscious of those around you and avoid this behavior. Really, I mean just stop it.

 

5. Vegetarianism For All

 

Starting now, whenever you read this, everyone must go vegetarian. I mean, have you been to a factory farm? A slaughter house? Me neither. And there is a reason for that. We would all be hurling for the entire next week. I know, I know. Protein, protein … you need your protein. Sorry, it’s a mandate. Figure it out. Though to be clear – this references vegetarianism only, not veganism. I GOTTA have my Starbucks Egg Bites!

 

6. Los Angeles Kings Fans

 

It will no longer be tolerated for hockey fans to root on any other team but the LA Kings.

Even though the Kings have sucked for the past three years. Those found with fan paraphernalia for other teams will have their possessions burned. This includes banners, jerseys, pennants, and those oversized foam fingers.

 

7. Constitution No More

 

No longer will we be following that flimsy piece of paper written by slave owners over 250 years ago. Also out will be: “natural law,” the Bill of Rights, the philosophy of brilliant minds such as John Locke, presumed innocence, due process, a free marketplace of ideas, the freedom of speech, law and order. You will have to follow the will of a few folks who know what is best for you.

 

People like me!

 

And yes, no worries, after this silly post … I’m going back to writing poetry about puppies.

 

 

THE STILL SMALL VOICE

 

(I went full-on Bruce circa 1973 when he thought he had to rhyme everything - remember: "Madman drummers bummers and Indians in the summer..." I tried to change it below, but it wouldn't let me. Here then, another plea for peace.)

 

Shaking in this quake as I lie awake

Everything at stake, yet it all just seems so fake

I try to breathe deep, so I can fall asleep

As beams in the attic creak, and stairways ascend too steep

Cries in the night, howling a burst of terror fright

Pleading for new sight, so that finally I can be all right

Time to be quiet and still, I'm offered an array of new choice

A deeper will, on this day ... a still small voice

 

A still small voice

 

Mortgages and bills, join broken dishes and spills

In the freak-out alarmist drills, a dreary prophecy fulfilled

A backache and headache crescendo into heartache

Stop the madness, stop the anger, stop the hate

Boisterous bickering in the head, all sanity has fled

I'd rather hear the music of the spheres instead

Moments to slow down, the subsiding of incessant noise

Reality found, heaven bound, heeding ... a still small voice

 

The still small voice

 

Faint like the baby's whisper sigh

The lilting serenity of a mother's lullaby

Recognizing the foibles, the folly and the play

Yet never losing sight of beauty along the way

The still small voice

Nudging gently, in guidance, pointing out a Divine plan

Judging not - any race, religion, woman or man

A soft breeze upon the face, always full of grace

Rushing not - but like a stream, moving a steady pace

The still small voice

 

Now seeing the majesty of the mountains, the clear blue sky

Perceiving the symmetry of the fountains, hummingbird wings as they fly

The mosaic of cause and effect, as above so below

The horizon ocean line perfect, the colors of the rainbow

The sunset and the sunrise, each time a new surprise

Transcending all man-made lies, as we all arise, arise, arise

Of life, what we make, take it higher, with the one and only choice

After the earthquake a fire ... and after the fire a still small voice

The still small voice