Wednesday, July 22, 2020

The Sinkholes In My Mind

I found another one the other day. Darn it. How did that get in there? Every once in awhile, I stumble across one of these, and there I go: falling down this dark hole, spiraling and spiraling further down.

A sinkhole in my mind.

It looks like this: I have some experience in life, and in my claiming to know what is happening and why it’s happening, I justify some negative thought about myself. Not fun.

Case in point – the other day I happened to text my men’s team in a group thread something very vulnerable taking place in my life, something that had been upsetting me. In that same thread another man noted a great success he was having in his life – a promotion at work. The following comments in this thread included zero replies about my situation and about 10 replies of congratulations to this other teammate.

Danger – sinkhole approaching!!!

Even though I had previously spoken directly with my buds about the topic, and even though I knew I could reach out individually, even though I’ve done tons of emotional healing work in my past, I took this experience and RAN WITH IT … straight into the worst place.

In a matter of seconds, the spiraling fall tumbled thusly:

1.     They don’t care.
2.     Why am I on this team?
3.     Why am I even here?
4.     No one cares.
5.     Now one cares about me.
6.     My experiences are meaningless.
7.     I’m meaningless.
8.     I don’t even belong here … on the planet.
9.     They don’t care.
10. No one does.

Being hyper-aware of my subconscious mind can be such fun.

Though the logic and the intellect would easily discount such grand sweeping beliefs, somehow the lingering residual was a hurt, a wound in my heart.

These are emotions folks; no need for them to make sense. I guess that’s by definition.

Anyway, fast forward in the story, I talked myself down off the ledge, knowing these were most likely old wounds from the past surfacing so I can deal with them directly.

In a matter of a couple days, I received a half a dozen calls to see how I was doing. Though my mind was somewhat committed to holding onto the old beliefs, and keeping me down in the hole, I slowly started climbing myself out. Whether I received calls or not, whether I received a return text or not, the sinkhole of emotional wound may still remain. Though I must say, experiences like this – where my conscious beliefs are dashed through an alternate reality – surely does help.

The real kicker was when I asked one man directly, “Why didn't you text me back about my original comment?” His answer brought tears to my eyes.

“It’s because I cared too much.”

For him and perhaps others, it wasn’t something to text back about.

Well there you go. I went from “They don’t text back because they don’t care” to “They didn’t text back because they cared.” The absolute opposite nature to this situation, for some reason, brought the healing of the heart, the mending of the mind, the filling of this sinkhole.

It happens every once in awhile, these sort of un-holy experiences. Now it’s up to me:

·      To hold back on thinking I know anything too swiftly.
·      To hold off on jumping to conclusions.
·      To take a time out and be with my own inner experiences without judgment.
·      To check in with others with whom I am in relationship to see what’s really going on.
·      To be wary of those sinkholes, and maneuver myself around them whenever I must.
·      To reach out for help if I ever get lost in one.
·      And finally, to be kind and gentle with myself when I have these experiences, not making me wrong, but using it as an opportunity to see where an old wound - a younger me - needs some attention.

James Anthony Ellis and his mind can be reached at

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