I know it might be sort of late in the election process, but I have decided to announce my candidacy for the President of the United States of America.
I believe by now - with all the ballots already in the mail - that I will have to do really well in the write-in section. Please see the blank area on that ballot somewhere on there somewhere. It will be under a listing of other names such as Donald, Joe and Kanye.
Please know I don’t take my decision lightly. I have thought hard and long about this. Probably too long. I mean it’s less than a week away. Could I be any more last minute?
But fear not! I have reviewed the metrics and the early polls and, well, who believes that crap anyway. I am NOWHERE on there. Not a blip. In fact you five people who are actually reading this - are the first to know about my decision.
This will take a major - I mean MAJOR - grassroots movement to see me all the way through to victory on November 3! Ah shit that’s like 5 days.
I decided to run on the Procrastinator Party ticket. Brand new. Just made it up. And just in time. Many of you could easily qualify as upstanding members, if you only heard about this earlier.
And acted earlier.
My campaign promises will be short and simple.
- Removal of fluoride from all water supply.
- GMO labeling on everything, even non-food items.
- Doors on all the boys bathrooms. (Oh wait that was a promise from 4th grade student council.)
- Dismantling the unaccountable FBI, CIA and Federal Reserve.
- Repealing the 16th amendment. People working hard for their earned wage should never have become a taxable event.
- Term limits for all congress people. After 6 years they have to get a real job. Sign up for “Indeed” or get a LinkedIn account or something.
- No law will be established wherein lawmakers don’t have to be the first in line to follow it.
- Free Ben and Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk for all. The rest, people will have to earn in some way, shape or form.
- No spying on ANY citizens ever.
- The destruction of those big brother red light photo cameras at those busy intersections.
- Police restored to a high place in society as respected protectors, without using them as revenue collectors for the state.
- No more of those fancy high-class meals for elected elites, spending our money on those affairs. Pizza and side salads OK if and only if Little Caesars reinstates the 2 for 1 “pizza pizza” deals.
- Shrink the government so small that its mascot becomes Daffy Duck the time he got shrunken down to the size of a pearl. And so small it carries only two jobs: 1. protect and preserve the Constitution of the United States and 2. ensure the people’s property and papers are protected ... from the government.
For a running mate, I’m actually too embarrassed to ask anyone given the late notice.
If anyone is interested please contact me.
Prior to January 20.