I’ve decided to just put it out there. Be transparent. Don’t be overly political or evasive, but rather just let everyone know what mandates (and executive orders) I would put upon you – I mean into place – once I become state governor, US president or the VP of my own home owners association.
Here goes, you have no choice:
1. Must Reach Back
If some friend reaches out to you – via text, email or voicemail – you must return in kind such communication within 72 hours if you indeed received the message. This does not include group e-mails or marketing messages in mass, but only those directly sent to you with a friendly request for a return message. Since technology has made a reply take up to five seconds, there will be no excuses such as “I was too busy.” Come on. If someone reaches out to you directly, do the respectful thing. Don’t be an asshole.
2. Lead With Curiosity
When listening to someone speak, lead with the attitude of curiosity, in the desire to understand his or her side. You are no longer allowed to remain in your bubblehead listening only to the reverberating echo of your own past, your own thoughts, your own filter. Shut up and listen.
3. Honor Your Word
If you say you will do something, then do it. How simple is that? Some call it “integrity;” others call in “honor,” still others call it, “Bro – don’t fuck me up.” Make it a commitment. Make it your bond. Now, of course things will come up in life, yes. If for some reason you choose to “break” your word, you can still “honor” your word by making it up to the other person in some, way, shape or form. Mandated statement: “What can I do to make it up to you?” Breaking the mandate will have severe consequences. Heftier penalties for those who use the phrase “But I was going with my flow,” or using the strategy of spinning it around on the other person, saying he or she fell into “expectations.”
4. Courtesy Driving
This one is important. If you are driving up to a stoplight, and you don’t leave enough room for the person behind you to pass you on the right, you will face the consequence of some well-deserved beeps, dirty looks, and maybe some car “brights” flashed on you from behind. And you will deserve it. Please be conscious of those around you and avoid this behavior. Really, I mean just stop it.
5. Vegetarianism For All
Starting now, whenever you read this, everyone must go vegetarian. I mean, have you been to a factory farm? A slaughter house? Me neither. And there is a reason for that. We would all be hurling for the entire next week. I know, I know. Protein, protein … you need your protein. Sorry, it’s a mandate. Figure it out. Though to be clear – this references vegetarianism only, not veganism. I GOTTA have my Starbucks Egg Bites!
6. Los Angeles Kings Fans
It will no longer be tolerated for hockey fans to root on any other team but the LA Kings.
Even though the Kings have sucked for the past three years. Those found with fan paraphernalia for other teams will have their possessions burned. This includes banners, jerseys, pennants, and those oversized foam fingers.
7. Constitution No More
No longer will we be following that flimsy piece of paper written by slave owners over 250 years ago. Also out will be: “natural law,” the Bill of Rights, the philosophy of brilliant minds such as John Locke, presumed innocence, due process, a free marketplace of ideas, the freedom of speech, law and order. You will have to follow the will of a few folks who know what is best for you.
People like me!
And yes, no worries, after this silly post … I’m going back to writing poetry about puppies.