Saturday, May 5, 2018

What To Do With Depression and Darkness?

I am freaking depressed.


It feels like the weight of 100 sacks of flour are resting squarely on my back.

I trudge through the world as if walking in soft sand while wearing army boots.

There is a tape loop that plays in my head every time I make a mistake. The words are cruel and punishing.

"You failure."

"You'll never make it."

"There is no hope."

Where did these voices come from, and what am I to do with them?

I want to hide away so the voices can't reach me. But they live within me and cannot be ditched.

So I carry on - in this deep depression, wanting so badly to find a way out of it.

Long ago, I learned that there was no better way to get out of the sadness and darkness ... then to go directly into it. I learned to not swerve away from it or go around it. I was never a drinker or a druggy, so these escapes never could serve. Even the gluttonous self-pleasure of food and porn can not mask the agony any longer.

I'm in the middle of it. Or it's in the middle of me.

So what comes to my mind? How am I to rid myself of this feeling of darkness and to rise up into a light feeling of joy and love? 

A simple phrase: "Give it away in order to keep it."

Huh? What does that mean? Give it away ... in order to keep it.

Simply, I'm being directed to bring positive thoughts, energy and sentiments to others. I am tasked to give away this love and light to others. But how am I to do that when I don't feel it within?

Give it away ... in order to keep it.

Give love, even if I don't feel it strong within me, in order to PROVE that it does exist within. Give love so that it can grow stronger within me.

But this idea of having something get bigger after giving it away? Surely this is madness. If you have 10 dollars and you give away 10 dollars, surely you are now lesser for it. If you have seven bananas and you give away five of them, no doubt you have fewer bananas. This concept of giving in order to retain something is a counter-intuitive thought within the physical realm and within the conscious mind.

But I imagine we are not talking about rationality but reality.

According to A Course In Miracles, "giving is proof of having," In Lesson 187, it states: "Having had and given, then the world asserts that you have lost what you possessed. The truth maintains that giving will increase what you possess."

So be it. I will give as much love and light as I can to all I come across.
I will keep bringing the uplifting sentiments to others, especially when feeling low and depressed.

I will give it away, to prove I possess it, and to have it grow stronger, ever stronger, within me.

No need to focus on the depression or heed the voices that would drive me downward. Simply focus on giving away that which resides in me ... in peace, joy and truth.

James Anthony Ellis is a writer and producer living and loving in San Diego, California. He can be reached at or on the inner plane of higher consciousness. Check him out at either locale. 

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